I was in my 9th year of education in the United States, attending a private Catholic school. Though I was never Catholic, I had been expelled from the public school system 4 years prior. So, private school was the solution. At the time I considered myself Wiccan. It felt truest to my search for truth.
Our uniforms were mandated to be white button-up shirts for boys & girls, khaki or black slacks, skirts were allowed as long as they were no higher than 3” above the knee and worn by girls. Jewelry had no specific mandates in our school handbook, I know because it soon became my pleasure to spend many days in detention writing the handbook over and over as punishment.
A course in Religion was required each year until you matriculate. For 9th years, it was Hebrew Scriptures. My jewelry of choice that day was a pentagram necklace that I had found in my devout Christian grandmother’s belongings – more on that mystery later. The teacher reached out and lifted it with their finger, and looked at me intently. Was I going to be in trouble? I expected it—I wasn’t usually bold enough to wear such an openly defiant symbol. “We’ll have to talk about this.”
Not missing a beat, I asked them one of my long-standing questions on Christianity, but by no means the first question. “I’d love to. The Bible states we are to pray for and love our enemies. With that understanding, should we also pray for the devil? And what would happen if he did repent?”
They didn’t respond. Shouldn’t there be an immediate answer?
Shouldn’t that answer be yes? Shouldn’t the next answer be forgiveness?
It was promised we would talk about it, but that never happened. But in my interpretation of the faith, Satan could be redeemed. Because, if god was all loving and all powerful, surely he knew the way Satan could find a path to Heaven again. Moreso, If god is all knowing, he knew Satan would rebel. Why create him at all?” gained footing speedily.
The harsher thoughts hadn’t come yet—the ones about a god who creates souls knowing they'll face infinite punishment for finite mistakes. But this moment laid the track for those thoughts to arrive.
And so, by being sympathetic to the Devil’s cause, I began to further delve into Christian Doctrine. I studied Wicca for a few more years, but eventually recognized it was not what I was to finally find much later in life, Satanism. I consider this interaction the true defining moment on my path to deconstruction, because I, a teenager, considered myself a victor over my religion teacher.
I couldn’t get the story of Jesus & Nicodemus out of my head, when Nicodemus asks a question to Jesus, and Jesus responded “Art thou a master of Israel, and knowest not these things?” Were they not a master of Catholicism, and they knew not an immediate answer? I would come to find out that many church leaders lacked answers. They were men who shouted the word, but didn’t comprehend or contemplate its meaning.
I plan to share more of my story—not just for my own healing, but for those who’ve questioned quietly and never heard an answer. If nothing else, maybe they'll know they weren’t the only ones asking.
Questions to consider for yourself: